We want to grow together but…

Every Friday, we open our Instagram to the Ours community and let couples submit questions to our team of couples therapists. We pick the most interesting ones and write our thoughts here. This week’s question is: “We want to grow together but have trouble communicating our feelings and needs — help!”

I’m really happy that this question came up. I have a 30-minute chemistry call with all the couples I meet to figure out if we “click” (which is super important!), and this is the first question that almost all couples ask.

But, I have to admit, I also internally sigh because it’s so vague. And I totally get why. Most people, when they come to therapy, are only thinking about what’s going wrong, and often what’s wrong can feel so vague, too. One common thing I hear is, “we don’t communicate well and we fight about the same things, we could use some help with how we talk to each other.” It’s all basically the same thing.

And, there’s no set formula for it. Understanding how and why we communicate the way we do is a lot like learning a dance, like the polka. Everyone has their own unique style of polka.

Here are 5 considerations to think about:

1. What is going well in your relationship?
2. Where do you get stuck?
3. How do you create space?
4. How do you appreciate one another?
5. Are you in a place to hear your partner’s side?

What is going well in your relationship?

I love how there’s a statement in the original plea. It says, “we want to grow together.” You’re on the same page! And, that’s a big statement because it also indicates an interest in stretching past what makes you comfortable. That’s already the first step. Now is a great time to think about what’s going well in the relationship. Where is communication NOT a problem? What areas do you communicate really well about? What makes that different?

Where do you get stuck?

Is it when you argue about a particular topic? What are the feelings that usually come up for you when you argue about this topic? Reflecting on those feelings and naming them prior to having a tough conversation is helpful here.

How do you create space?

How do you create a space where each of you can say what you need to say to one another… and have it feel productive? What does having a productive conversation mean? Does it mean you both need to agree on a path? Or does it mean you’re aligned on values, but can disagree on how to proceed? Understanding where you want to be aligned on values and where you can give space to not be in agreement on everything is vital to deepening your relationship.

How do you appreciate one another?

Can you start difficult conversations with what you appreciate about one another? This can lead to a more positive dialogue between you and your partner because you’re already connected, so it can be easier to accept feedback about how something made you feel. It sets the tone for a positive interaction.

Are you in a place to hear your partner’s side?

One of the most difficult challenges for couples is getting each other to see beyond their own perspective. We can talk a good game, but it’s really quite hard. We have to appreciate our differences in how we think. And respect the individuality of our thoughts, even when they are in direct conflict to how we feel. When we fight, it’s usually never about the content (the story) of what’s happening in the fight. It’s the acuteness of rejection that we’re fighting. But to be truly open to your partner’s experience, it’s imperative to put aside your own convictions in the righteousness of your own position. It takes a lot of courage to tolerate this uncertainty.

Make sure you’re in a good place to listen. Are you well fed? Are you feeling confident in where you stand? Knowing it’s only one side of it? Honoring where you’re at (even if you aren’t ready) is a sign of emotional maturity and having a secure relationship with yourself.